Burns Series 2 – To a Cat – a take on a Burns classic

Are you takin’the highland piss!!

Ok this ends now and stop that hiss,

Swanning aboot all day and nicht

Your ignorance is at its frickin hicht!

Your body language clearly shows us,

Your sweet miaow? Is a Glasgee cuss,

As ye spray ma rug and miss your litter.

With middle claw raised you leg it, you’re clearly much fitter!

And here’s a question, you bonnie big rat,

With your kitten mentality in the body of a cat.

Do you actually hink it’s awfie braw to claw your host,

Ya needles hit ma ‘bits’ like a willie scratch post!

And what the hell do you do all day?

Can you naw wash up, iron or is it aw just play?

Coz that crazy two oors o’ zest

Needs to end, it’s bedtime…gie me a rest!

Here’s a final hing, ya smart arsed feline

Dinnae use the litter and then make a beeline

Towards me like a hoachin’ sleepwalker

To wipe your toilet paws, ya fury daft stalker.

And when did ye get so frickin’ fussy,

Aboot wit meat ye eat, ya stuck up hussy?

So noo it’s Whiskers, the cost n bloody stress,

Has Gordon Ramsay been roon the hoos, no less!?

I know you hate me with a ginger whiskered passion,

As ye lie, top o’ the stair, ya fury stealthed assassin.

For ma two in the morning pee, och i’m auld and so unfit,

But bare foot hits fur and there’s me erse o’er tit!

On a final note, miss smartest o’ the species,

When you’ve finished chasing fleas and playing wae ma keys

Go grab the brush and get yersel pretty,

Coz ma kilt noo resembles ginger coat o’ a yeti!!

(copyright. 2019) Pedro Batpoet

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